While the world pours billions into community centres, counsellors, and cutting-edge communication, Pakistan relies on a far more efficient force: the Aunties. With sharp judgment, floral shawls, and a sixth sense for rishtas between unwilling participants, they’ve long run the nation’s most reliable network of unsolicited advice and judgement. But in today’s globalised world—and the rise of ‘woke’ youth who openly challenge their moral authority—the influence of the Aunties is under threat.
Aunties have persevered through and even adapted in these perilous times, weaponising WhatsApp forwards, unsolicited voice notes, and endless call time to continue their mission. Forget AI and economic growth—the real marvel of modern society is the Pakistani Aunty: relentless, resourceful, and ready to guilt-trip us all into greatness, towards a future we all (do not) look forward to.
Their influence, though long underestimated, has now drawn global attention. In both an equal balance of awe and desperation, the world has finally recognised the unwavering strength of these divas, who have been serving society for well over decades as self-appointed CEOs of judgement, gossip, Wikipedia and unmatched social surveillance. Aunties have now entered global diplomacy.
With Russia and Ukraine at each other’s throats for quite a while, it almost feels like the world has yet to exhale, watching with bated breaths as signs of any dialogue remain strictly nonexistent. Russia—currently deep in its Bond villain era—continues to obsess over Ukraine, resulting in over 80,000 Ukrainian casualties. But fret not, for Pakistan holds the ultimate solution to this global standoff; its secret weapon: the Aunties, ready to break the tension and possibly a few egos (mostly self-respect, obviously).
Beyond peacekeeping missions, Aunties are also expert dream crushers and strategic hope assassins. With a lifetime of experience behind them, they have now turned their attention to Russia and published a daring report denouncing its actions in Ukraine. The report compares Aunty Parveen’s son, a once-optimistic painter who was guilt-tripped into becoming an engineer after bringing “shame” to his ancestors on the use of his freewill. As the report notes: “He would’ve ended up jobless, homeless, and wifeless. He is now incredibly successful”—and, as confirmed by our most trustworthy news source, Aunty Parveen, “possibly the richest man on Earth.” It concludes, “He changed his path. Russia must do the same.”
Diplomacy is, all things considered, the road to peace; but do not count on seasoned diplomats with years of experience. Send Auntie Shagufta, who is armed with hot chai and clever remarks that everyone needs but no one asks for, helping our children inherit a legacy of lifelong moral policing and generational trauma.
In a world full of conflict, we need Aunties more than ever. Their words are sharper and deadlier than any weapon ever made. It’s time to cherish these national assets as humanity’s best and last hope for world peace.